Mixed feelings

Well, I am thrilled to say that HPW had her twelfth child yesterday! (YES, I know. Twelve kids. NOT FOR ME.)  But she’s a lovely lady and I know she was excited for this baby.  God bless both her, her husband, and the baby. Oh, and the other 11 kids. Can’t leave them out.

Also, today I finally, FINALLY figured myself out.  I have peace!  WOOT!  I was getting ready to go apply for my passport and I just shook my head, knowing I had to find out what God wanted in regards to my Costa Rica trip. I begged God for His guidance and I actually opened my ears this time.  Don’t worry about Costa Rica!  The Lord does not want me to go there and I am SO relieved to finally know this.  The uncertainty I was carrying around is gone and I feel so at peace.  Though I’m going to have to fork over $75 cancellation fee to CISA.  The Lord however either wants me too or doesn’t mind me getting my passport.  I don’t know if He actually wants me to but I can live with it.  So I left work early to do the paper work.  At noon I actually ran to WalMart and got passport pictures taken (ELEVEN DOLLARS FOR TWO!? I thought they were six for five…) .  I had my birth certificate all copied and all that good stuff, had my form, I was ready to go!  And then I go in and get told that my birth certificate isn’t the official one I can use.  The recorder lady was nice, she notarized a page for me to request one from the county.  I just realized she didn’t charge me a notary fee, either.  I don’t think notary service is always free.  She even photocopied my drivers license to send it with it, how nice of her!

Today cheered me up, I’ll tell you that.  Monday was a pretty good day.  Went to Dr. B and he seems to think I’m mostly sane. Yay!  Realized today I forgot my noon pill for two days in a row. I think.  Now I don’t remember.

Wednesday however, sucked.  I was at Bible study and I thought I was going to vomit, I really, really did.  I am SO TIRED of fear-mongering in the church!  All I hear is “Anti-Christ Obama, communism, socialism, abortion, evolution, persecution.”  HP said “We will not be a free country much longer.”  I just stared at him.  There is some ruckus right now that parents in Iowa are not allowed to dictate what their children are taught in public school.  Now, I do have some issue with that, I at least want to be able to prevent my child (as if I’ll ever have one) from attending something I felt strongly against.  Not that I know that this new legislation prevents pulling your child from a class.  But he went so far as to say “When parents cannot decide what their children learn, that’s socialism right there.  In fact, that’s communism.”  Which… I’m sorry, that’s not the definition I learned.

Of course AP and HP both have their children home schooled by their wives.  AP’s kids are all under five yet but eldest HP kid is probably 18 or 19.  And he turned out beautifully, don’t get me wrong! He’s a great person.  I just… I don’t believe in home schooling for the sake of home schooling.  It’s kind of a status symbol among this crowd.  I for one am glad I was in public school, or I’d be even more of a social troll than I am currently.

Blah I just mistyped and lost a ton of text.  On Wednesday night, I managed to kick the computer plugin and lost the post of complaints and grouching I was near done with.

So, deciding I’ll take this as a sign, I am going to change my focus here.

The government is “taking the place of God” in some ways, which I don’t disagree with.  When you’re in trouble or up the creek without a paddle, there is financial assistance available.  There’s not anything essentially wrong with the financial assistance, there is something wrong with not trusting God to fill your needs.  Not going to get side tracked here, that’s a separate issue.  All I’m saying is, the government’s involvement in the life of the poor IS. OUR. FAULTS.

I wanted to ask “How many people have you fed at your table this week? This month?” but I didn’t.  How many of us have so much as dropped a can of chili off at the food bank this week? I know I haven’t.  Snarky cruel comments kept flying and I just felt more and more sick at heart.  Now, IT IS NOT MY PLACE TO JUDGE. But I am.  I was so horrified.

Why do little old ladies wind up selling the farm and eventually going on Title XIX to pay for nursing home care?  WE are supposed to care for our elderly, among our church communities.  Do we disdain them for running out of money when they’re paying $900 a week or more?  Nobody inconveniences themselves to help Grandma stay out of the home a few years longer. And I am NOT dissing nursing homes. I have worked in them for years and they are necessary, certainly.  But what other choice do the elderly poor have than to depend on the government?

With so many people out of work, including many of the church goers, why are we judging them for food stamps!?! The HP’s kids are on WIC.  I’ve seen the paperwork in the van.  Why is that any more or less wrong than “the government trying to be God.”  Instead we just sit around and make crude political jokes and talk cruelly about others behind their backs.

And what really, really got to me is that neither HP nor AP had the balls to stand up and say “You’re speaking wrongly.  Pray for our leaders, they are the Lord’s anointed.  Trust the Lord to provide. Care for the sick and the poor.”

I left and went home and looked up 1 Timothy 2, and Romans 13 and 14 through 15:3.  Obviously I’m the only one reading those passages.  How much more plain and beautiful can the Word be?

“Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.”  “I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; for kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a good and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty.”  “It is written: ‘As surely as I live’ says the Lord ‘every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’  So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.  Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.  Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.”

Let us therewith be content

Church today was exactly what I needed. Didn’t solve my question! But it helped.  Today’s message was all about prayer.  Actually, that started in sunday school (which I arrived late for, blah. I forgot money for tithe too.)

(PWB) said “Every prayerless day is a day you think you don’t need God.  Pray without ceasing. How do you do that? Have an attitude of prayer every day.”

He also said that a lot of people will tell you that you have to build a relationship with someone before you speak to them about Christ.  He said “If you saw a house on fire, do you knock on the door and say ‘Well hi I’m Bob, great to meet you, you should join our bowling league, by the way the roof seems to be burning. Just thought maybe it would be good to tell you but I don’t want to disturb you.”  He said it better than that, but, same idea. Why are you being quiet or hesitating when the house is burning?

“The only thing you can take to heaven with you is another person.”

The message from (HP) was all about prayer as well and it hit a lot of spots that’d been bugging me.  He said “Prayer doesn’t just happen. Most of our prayer is for ourselves. We don’t thank God.”  He used Luke 18:9-14 as an example, of the one worshipper telling God how many great things he did for the LORD, and how thankful he was that he was not like the man standing next to him.  That man, a tax collector, was saying nothing but “Lord have mercy on me, a sinner!”

We talked about Daniel.  The story’s pretty familiar. Daniel was a totally righteous person, and his enemies tricked King Darius into writing a law that no one could pray to any gods for 30 days, all their prayers must go to the King. Punishment was being thrown in the Lion’s den.  Well, Daniel opened his windows, bowed down, and worshipped three times a day.  Darius was horrified, he couldn’t change the law.  Daniel was thrown in.  Darius spent a sleepless night and rushed to the den, calling “did your god preserve you?”  Daniel was yet alive, said “O king, live forever. The LORD sent an angel to close the lion’s mouths and they did not hurt me” or something I don’t wanna look it up right now lol.

Even though he knew he was breaking the law that had a sentence of death, Daniel prayed.  He would have gladly died if God’s will was for him to die. Nothing was going to keep him from glorifying his LORD.

James 5:14-16 says basically – Pray one for another. The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  Effectual, fervent would indicate committment and dedication, and being determined to pray.

Prayer is answered in God’s timing and not ours! Prayer is designed to connect us to God.  HP said that prayer seems to empower God to work in our lives, but that totally offended me.  God IS power!  He doesn’t need my prayers to allow him to act in my life, does he? I don’t think so.  But prayer brings me to him.  Remember: Trust in the lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto your own understanding.  And ‘having food and rainment let us therewith be content’.  God will give you all you need, so stop asking for stupid things.

HP noted that prayer is not like a juke box, you don’t throw a coin in and get instant gratification.  If your prayer fails, it is not your faith failing you, it’s just that it’s not God’s will.  Isaiah says the LORD told him that our thoughts and ways are not my ways.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, the LORD’s ways and thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

He spoke about willingness to serve God.  If we want God’s power, we first have to learn how to submit and obey.  We have t be willing to give our lives to Christ.  No wonder I’m failing.

Having food and rainment

Well, on 8/13 I wrote quite a rant about Glenn Beck in my OKCupid! journal.  It was fun to research.  The other day dad kind of got in my face as I wanted my birth certificate to get a passport. He said I had to be foundational, that I couldn’t do that without taking care of responsibilities at home first, like my roof. (My roof is not that bad but it does need fixed.)  So 8/14 I called Union Bank and Trust and my car loan is now paid off. Went up to het bank and got a money order and it’s in the box at the post office.  Dad has been working on the siding all weekend and he’s only done as of today, 8/15/10.  Course he’s up on his ladder just looking at it trying to find flaws to fix.

This was all written on 8/14)  I’m sitting on one of the metal chairs in the garage, watching dad go back and forth from the saw in the driveway, then back through the porch and to the back deck, and looking at my truck.  My truck, almost anyway.  I was thinking a lot about what dad said about my roof and being foundational.  When I got my house appraised for steel roofing, it was more than $8000 and I have only a half of a tiny house and a garage to roof!  So, rationalizing in my brain that this is just as good, paid the truck off.  I feel good about it though.

Prayed like mad last night.  Feel real peaceful currently.  It’s kind of ironic that most of my thinking anymore revolves around God and Christ and that always annoyed me in other people.  I still can’t accept the “God has his fingers in every pie” concept because I don’t like it.  I rebel against God being involved with every belch. Every time (AP’s baby) starts crying, (APW) says something about Satan not wanting us to hear what she is saying.  And that really disturbs me.  I mean, Satan is making the baby cry!  Just turns my stomach.  Now that I think of it, neither side of that coin is any good. Either you’re believing something stupid and harmful to your faith, or Satan is making a baby be disruptive.  Can we say “eww”?

I still want to go to Costa Rica.  I have to remind myself it’s not what I want, it’s His will for me and what He wants.  I prayed so hard that God will show me his will and somehow allow me to understand.  Today I am so calm and peaceful. So far. I still have to talk with dad.  Though is it better to interrupt his work or wait until it’s done?

Crap, he just cut the siding wrong. I think I’ll head to the book store and ask the to order in the cheapest Spanish language NIV they can.  They always have cheap English versions on hand.  I need not get anything today.  I’ll leave him to his work and go get that done.

Which I did! Blah that thing is going to be expensive, and do I even have a future with it?

Hd my convo with dad.  The Lord gave me the words to say and the opportunity to say them. (I could not help but think thins) Blessed be the name of the LORD!  He’s proud of me for paying off the car.  He also says that if I really pray about it, God will bless me with the knowledge that I should fix my roof before I go anywhere. I feel like I’m torn in two different directions.  I should ask him what else is going to need fixed when I finish the roof, cause he’ll think of something else to keep me from going.  Mom and Dad are over at (B&J’s) house at the block party, but I can’t see anyone out there so I will wait a bit before I head over.

Tried to get some advice about understanding your mission from a Christian chat room and I kicked the power cord. -_-  This afternoon I just feel really blah.  Kind of down.  Maybe that’s just from worrying so much about Dad and Mom’s reaction, or maybe it’s a symptom of something worse.  Maybe I’m swinging more into depression.  But this could be a lot of nothing. I’m tired, I could go for a nap.

10:30 pm  Hah, now I just woke up.  Missed the party. Just plain did not feel sociable

*Everything is better with prayer. Keep praying*

8/15 2:30 am.  WHY AM I STILL AWAKE!??!!?!?

This morning everything on the radio and the message at church seemed made especially for me! A month ago that would have spooked me or irritate me, today I think it’s kind of nice.  I think it was Jack Graham on the radio but I am not sure.  He said basically, How do you know what God’s plan is for you?  When you feel undirected, have you asked the Lord for direction?  And then he quoted Proverbs 3:5-7 (This isn’t literal it’s more paraphrased)

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. !!!!!!!! In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: Fear the LORD and depart from evil.

I was like, EUREKA!!!! I FOUND THE PROBLEM!  Now what do I do with it?  Trust more, STop thinking so much. TRUST.

Questions:  If he wants me to witness or serve, does that necessarily mean I am supposed to leave?

How does God view debt or responsibility? In a way that prohibits money spent on anything else in the meantime while there is debt?  (answer is prolly yes lol)

If you are in debt, but you plan to do something the glorify God before your debt is paid, does God instead want you to take care of the debt before you start making more for His sake?

If I can pay for both, but I can’t get my responsibility debt wise done before the trip, is it more Biblically based to postpone the trip?  In other words, if my roof isn’t fixed and I go to Costa Rica, am I doing the wrong thing as I’ll maybe need a loan when I get back.

Won’t anybody think of the machinery!?

Was I just raised wrongly or something?  Apparently I am the only human being in this town who picks up a stick or two before mowing the grass.  I mean the maintenance man at church is mowing over BIG HONKING LOGS. I walked around and picked them up, they’re all chopped.  I hope he uses his own mower.

Random wedding blather

Scottsbluffguy and me are having a debate about arranged marriages.  I have a big looooooooooong thing here written about marriages.  I just think people in this country get married for stupid reasons when they could of avoided the whole mess.

Questions for the fiance and fiancee.

1) Do you trust him/her?  Do you trust yourself? This is as much a question of yourself than his/her motives, and a question of character than what you know (s)he’s done in the past.  Everybody has made mistakes in their past, whether that be petty retaliations against a coworker, or a stint in prison.  If it’s in the past and it’s over, great.  No reason to avoid marriage with a reformed and saved individual despite what happened in the past.  However, we are all human and have human weaknesses.  Can you see your intended backsliding?  How do you see him/her reacting when a similar situation occurs in the future?  And if a problem occurs, how well will you handle it?  Someday in the future you may have to suppport your spouse through a time of difficult situations and troubles that test their resolve. Can you do that?

2)Do you know (s)he’ll be faithful?  This is not necessarily a deal breaker, there’s a difference between temptation and going for it and any marriage needs work to keep it solid.  You do need to know in your mind what your concerns.  Also, you have to think about the possibility that “If my spouse cheats on me, what do I do?”  Are you going to leave, are you going to try to reconcile the relationship at any cost?  Would you feel comfortable leaving?  It can be a hard decision to make, to leave someone who you love even if you feel betrayed. Keep in mind, you made that solemn vow mentioned above.  And if your spouse strayed, and you worked it out and stayed with him, what then?  If you stay together, you HAVE to be able to trust each other.  If there’s no trust, your relationship is doomed.

3) Separate or joint finances? I’ve known couples who had separate bank accounts and did not have any joint accounts.  I don’t think you can have a totally committed and strong relationship if you each have your own little stockpile of money and each of you pay for different bills and your pay checks never mingle.  I am not saying that either spouse can’t have an account that is theirs and theirs alone, there is no reason to prevent that.  But the household anf family fund should be a jointly held fund.  Which brings us to the question:

4) Do you trust their money handling?  Seriously, do you trust that the shared finances are going to be used correctly?  More importantly, do you trust and know by an examination of their character that your intended will make sound financial decisions, and not neglect to consult you when prudent?  And if you feel that every financial transaction needs approved by yourself first, then WHY are you marrying this person?  I’d hate to saddle myself to someone who might buy ocean front property in Idaho if I didn’t keep an eye on him.  You want to marry someone you trust to make sound decisions, on both parts.

Financial matters can be a BIG cause of dissent in a household. Look hard before you walk to the altar if your intended has trouble with credit cards, or has an unreasonable amount of debt.  Talk together and try to prayerfully resolve the problems, draw up a budget and talk about savings and get on common ground.  How can you marry someone you don’t trust to be wise in money matters?  And conversely how can you expect a spouse to be totally ignorant of the financial set up of your home?  Also, do you have similar goals and are your financial ideas compatable.  Maybe one of you pictures a 1.7 million dollar house in 15 years, and the other pictures the same old family homestead that they inherited.  One of you may expect the majority of your cash being spent on Gap and Tiffany’s, Whole Foods, getting the kids a car when they turn sixteen, and property such as farm land.  The other may expect to shop at department stores and Goodwill, food shopping at Aldi’s, having the kids drive the old station wagon, and a college fund or loan payments.  Just be sure you know each other’s vision of the future.

There are still people living who remember when a woman could not conduct any business unless there was first consent from their husband. Not long ago, wives could not own any property.  Any posessions would become the property of the husband.  It’s still that way in some countries.  Some ethnic groups do not allow their women to travel without their husband’s consent. So think about this, can you envision a world where the electrician declines to come over when the hall light is on the fritz, because hubby has to sign the bill?  What if your car died and you had to get a rental and you couldn’t get hubby on the phone?  What if your husband was away, the old washer died, and you weren’t allowed to buy a new one.  Would a man who felt you were the second half of his own soul agree with that treatment?

5) Does your spouse trust you?  If your spouse does not trust you, if he or she is posessive, or jealous, or suspicious?  Your spouse HAS to trust you.  Don’t tell yourself “Oh, it’ll calm down after the wedding.”  Generally people find that their spouse’s need for control increases over time.  Then you’re stuck with a legal document that you have to pay lawyers to untangle.  If your intended doesn’t trust you, you can’t trust your intended to treat you with the respect and love and care that you deserve in this relationship.

6)  Character.  Employers take prospective employees out to lunch, and see how they treat the staff, or they may leave a piece of paper crumpled on the floor and seeing if the interviewee pauses to put it in the trash.  Many employees feel that people who are kind to waitstaff and courteous about the work environment have better character and are better employees.  Your intended gives hints about their character in the same way.  Does he pause long enough to hold the shop door a moment while people walk through?  Is she respectful of workers in stores, and respectful of the merchandise?  Meaning does she take an item out of the package, look it over, and then flop it down on a shelf and walk off.  You’d be amazed how many times I watched people open stuff up and then strew it everywhere while I worked at Wal-Mart.  Throwing chewed gum on the sidewalk or sticking it under a chair? Dumping a cup of soda out the window while driving? Throwing said cup into the ditch?  Putting a chair back up to the table after getting up?  These are all really minor, petty things, but really think about them. What does this show about your intended’s character?  If they’re not doing it? Don’t nag them. Politely ask that they not do that again and wait.  They’re all tiny issues that just get more and more annoying as the relationship progresses.

There that’s it. Ramblings.

Blar blar blather

Okay, I’m a heretic, I admit it. I decided I would try fasting! I just ate a lot. My stomach is kind of burning inside though, I should take an antacid.  I can’t really like, fast and just expect something good to come out of it in one day, though.

I’m tempted to get a nap in. I should actually sit down and pay my bills, I don’t exactly want to, but I should.  Instead I am sitting here yammering at some nice Mormon man and watching the cats fighting.

Pretty sure I am going to Costa Rica for a vacation. Anyone want to join me?!

My friend

Dub. What can I say to you to make it hurt any less? I can’t. I can say nothing but just talk straight out from my heart.

Of COURSE I still love you. I will always love you. I have loved you for how long now? Years. You were my friend before you were ever my love. You were there for me all through college, you made me laugh, we had so much fun with games and with silly chit chat about anime and Delphi weirdos.

We rode dragons and fought dragons and killed drow and Red Hawks, Muerto and Connor are brothers, Ray and Neo are lovers.  How much of my life and my creative side was supported by your presence?  How many times did we cry to each other on the phone when I failed a class or your mother was being a witch?

Dubby, you were 18 in 2004, I think?  It’s 2010.  It’s too long for me. I am so sorry I’m not patient enough.  I gave up, I broke down and sometimes I still cry at night.  Sometimes I look back and think I was more your mom than anything else.  Which is going to keep us together, everything we have in common?  What about everything that keeps us apart?

I can’t go on seeing you every three years.  I can’t go two or three weeks without an email or an IM.  You have a life that is so much more important than your relationship with me.  You have to finish college. You have to get out from under your mom’s thumb, you have to get a steady job and move out and live.  I don’t know how to tell you to make it. I can’t stand the hurt you’re going through. I have been trying since 2001, I always tried to be there for you. I can’t. I’m broken. I just don’t know how to help you. I can’t even help myself some days, and I can barely take on my own drama.

And I don’t have any drama!  My life is cake. What do I have to complain about?? Tell me. I have an education, a job, I have money, I have a house, and people love me.  And I can’t take that drama from a life that is freaking near to perfect.   I can’t take your drama.  I can’t take your mother’s spite and your dad’s passiveness and your unsteady station in life, because it. hurts. me so deep inside some days.  I can only say that wherever you wind up or wherever you get in life, you will always have one thing which will never change.

I love you. You are my dear dear friend and someone I want harm never ever to befall and I never never never never EVER would want to hurt you and I did not try to!!!!  I know you can’t understand me. You always take things so hard, you have had so little that builds you up.  Please don’t shut me out of your life, John.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine; You make me happy when skies are gray; You’ll never know dear how much I love you; Please don’t take my sunshine away